So he’s back on tinder…what to do when your former boyfriend redownloads the dating apps?
Nothing is worse than scrolling through his Instagram and eating a pint of ice cream on a Friday night when you should be out with your friends or former boyfriend.
These nights alone can make or break you and if you are insta-stalking your ex, you probably feel like it’s closer to breaking you.
And then you get a DM from your best friend.
Your ex went back on Tinder right after a breakup.
She just saw his profile (and swiped left, obviously).
You are furious.
How is he back in the game when you are still crying on the couch over what could have been?!
All you can think is, we just broke up and he’s already online dating!
So, what do you do?
He’s obviously single so he’s not breaking any relationship rules being on Tinder, but also this can’t be right.
Well, I have some insight on why he may be back on dating apps and some tips for what you can do to feel better about it.
(Hint: I’m not going to tell you to get on Tinder!)
How To Find Out If Your Ex is on a Dating Site
Before you begin sobbing, throwing plates, and drowning your sorrows in a bottle of Pinot Grigio, you should confirm that your ex truly is back on a dating site.
How do you do this?
First, don’t re-download Tinder.
Ask your bestie — or whoever told you about his profile — for screenshots.
A good friend will probably already have them or have sent them to you.
Second, confirm that the pictures are current or new pictures of your ex.
Not all apps delete your profile when you delete the app.
Tinder is an especially good example of this and will continue to show your profile for months or even years after you’ve deleted the app.
I know this because a good friend of mine (who is engaged!) has had his face circling around our hometown’s Tinder feed for a solid five years.
His pictures are still the ones we took our freshmen year of college and his bio has never been updated.
This could be the case for your ex, but most likely it is not.
Some of the newer dating apps will only show users who are active on the app in the feed.
This means if your ex’s profile is popping up, he is most likely playing the field.
Do not check if your ex is on Tinder by re-downloading and signing up for the apps yourself. If you are not back in the dating pool yet, revenge dating won’t help you.
If you are already back on dating apps, why are you reading this article?
You and your ex are doing the same thing.
The next step is understanding his decision to date again.
Why Do Guys Go On Dating Apps Right After a Break-Up?
First, men like to run from their emotions.
They push their feelings down and suppress them until at some point they come exploding out.
I’d like to note that this isn’t all men, but it is a majority.
This is partly due to our cultural expectations for men and society’s need for them to fill the role of a “strong protector” archetype that never cries.
This is not true, men do get upset, they do need a way to express their emotions, but often this just looks like moving on and could explain his presence on Tinder.
If your ex is on Tinder, he is probably cycling through his feelings about your relationship and instead of facing them is finding new faces to fill the empty hole in his life.
He is trying to also move on, but rather than ice cream and sad movies, he is choosing to meet new people.
To you this may look like he is moving on, but men tend to go through the grief cycle in the opposite direction of women.
The Break-Up Grief Cycle
Men experience breakups differently than women.
While women begin their grieving process with sadness and regret, men end there.
Men go through the following steps as they process the loss of a good woman:
Women follow these steps in the opposite direction, starting with shock and ending with acceptance.
When you see your ex on Tinder, he is likely in the acceptance or anger part of his grief cycle while you are still in the shock, denial, self-blame, or heartache phases.
Because he is working through these steps opposite of you, it may look like he is moving on faster.
However, the reality is he is just using his swipes on Tinder to mask his true feelings which will surface later.
Overall, he is probably not thinking of you at all while swiping through Tinder.
He probably is just trying to forget and move on.
Though this truth sucks now, it will feel better in the later stages of the break-up grief cycle when you are moving on and he is crying into his beer.
What Do You Do If Your Ex Went Back on Tinder After Your Break-Up?
Now that you know your ex is back on the market and you understand that he is masking his feelings and cycling through the break-up grief, what do you do?
Well, my friend, you stand up and you straighten your crown like the queen you are.
Yes, breakups are hard, but you’ll be fine.
You just need to take care of yourself as you mourn the end of your relationship and prepare to eventually find love again.
Swipe Right on Self-Care
Taking care of yourself means prioritizing your needs, wants, and dreams.Your ex is no longer in the picture which gives you more time and resources to focus on the most important person in your life: you!
Here are some things to get you feeling like yourself again and forget that he was ever your man:
- Buy yourself something you’ve been wanting
- Take yourself out to coffee, lunch, or dinner
- Travel somewhere you’ve always wanted to go
- Take a class for something you’ve wanted to try
- Spend time with friends and family
- Focus on your career or school
Each of these things will help you start to move through your own grief cycle and begin to feel like love is possible again.
Most likely, you’ll just find that you have fallen more in love with yourself.
As you move into self-acceptance and begin to find joy in your life again, your ex will be realizing the true magnitude of the woman he lost.
He’ll realize that you are moving on in a healthy and beautiful way while he’s been swiping on strangers.
However, at this point, it will be too late.
If you truly invest in yourself, I promise you won’t even want him back.
You’ll want someone who is inspired by your passions and loves you even at your worst.
And you will do the same for him.
That kind of love is out there and though it feels unattainable as you eat your pint of ice cream and re-read your best friend’s message, you are so close to becoming you.
One day, when you are ready, you will join your ex on the dating apps and start swiping to meet the man of your dreams.
Until then, take care of yourself and keep your head up.
You are worthy of a man who won’t ever want to replace you — even after a break-up!