He Ghosted Me After Sleeping With Me

Dating these days has so many issues, especially if you’re not a huge fan of hookup culture.

What’s a girl to do?

Between tinder disasters and bumble fumbles, dating seems to be more like a mentally exhausting game of chess rather than a fun way to spend a Friday night.

Picture this, you’re swiping left on most everyone who comes up until you land on the perfect profile.

He has a nice smile, pictures with his dog, likes the outdoors but not too much.

You can picture yourself getting Sunday morning coffee with him and taking a walk in the park.

A far cry from the rest of the guys who rotate between blurry shirtless pics dude and blank profiles with ominous captions.

You swipe right, it’s an instant match and you’re already blocking off your calendar on the off chance he’s free this weekend.

The universe aligns and here he is.

You spend the rest of the week and the better part of your weekend planning your entire life around your grooming schedule.

The date is amazing and after a glass of wine or two you think, what’s the harm in a little bedroom action?

The next morning you wait for a text, and you’re still waiting a week later.

You’re over here thinking, what the hell?

Did he stop texting me after sleeping with me?

Even the most perfect match-up can end in a confusing and hurtful ghost.

How do you deal with this?

Do you send him a long text message detailing the way you feel and expose yourself to more embarrassment if he ignores it or worse, replies but doesn’t care.

Or do you pretend to be the cool girl and move on from the entire ordeal, pretending it doesn’t bother you only to end up crying to your roommates in a bar bathroom next Saturday over a guy who probably forgot your name?

Why Do Guys Disappear After Hooking Up?

Why do guys even ghost people?

I guess the answer to this really does depend on the person themselves but I can take a few educated guesses, unfortunately.

 The number one reason guys disappear after a hookup is because they never even considered you as more than a hookup in the first place but they were too immature to be upfront about it.  

Guys will say it’s because of a girl’s looks or her past sexual history, but we know that’s not true because plenty of them will go on to have serious relationships with women who would also fit that description.

It’s a them problem, not an us problem.

I know, I know.

I sound like a girl who just wants to make herself feel better about being ghosted.

But that has been my experience both as the person getting ghosted and as the friend of guys who ghost other women.

I’ve had many male friends ghost a woman and just scramble to come up with reasons why, but it’s obvious that they’re simply not ready for a real relationship but you know… men and their needs.

What To Do When A Guy Ignores You After Sleeping With You

First of all, you need to take care of yourself.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to get a reaction out of a man that has ghosted you.

 If he had emotions, he wouldn’t have ghosted you.  

The hard truth is that he probably either doesn’t have feelings for you or he’s not in touch with his feelings in general.

Either way, you don’t need that added stress in your life. Sure it’s fun to chase what you can’t have, but not if you can never catch it.

So erase his contact, on the off chance that he has a valid excuse for not contacting you for a month.

The chances that he does?

Very low.

But the chances that he texts you in the middle of the night two months later asking if you’re up?

Very high.

And by then maybe you’ll even be able to laugh about it.

Right now though you’re probably suffering a bit of a hurt ego.

It’s natural.

As women, we’re made to feel like we’re only worth as much as our bodies, and having sex lowers that worth.

Of course, you’re going to feel shitty when you combine that with feeling used by someone.

You’re worth so much more than your body.

Take care of it!

Have a spa day, get your nails done, go for a run, make some avocado toast!

Some self-care and fresh air will repair even the most bruised ego.

You may be asking yourself, should I text a guy who ghosted me?

You absolutely should not.

What you definitely should not do is write an essay telling this practical stranger how great you are, that he missed out on the chance of a lifetime and send it to him at 2:00am on a Tuesday after two bottles of Pinot Noir.

Only to have him ask who you are because he never saved the contact.

And he erased your previous messages.

And that he goes on so many dates he doesn’t remember which one you are.

Trust me, it will never feel as therapeutic the next morning as it did when you were writing it.

Not that I know from experience or anything…

Don’t tell him how amazing and great you are, tell yourself.

Or better yet show yourself.

Who cares about an emotionally stunted asshole who doesn’t even have the decency to let you know he doesn’t see a future with you?

And let me be clear, if you ghost someone you are definitely an asshole, and probably incredibly immature.

Nobody owes anyone an explanation for not wanting to date them, nor should anyone feel forced to.

But it is common courtesy if you’re dating to let someone know your intentions.

There are plenty of people who are just looking for sex, both male and female.

 It is an asshole move to lead someone on instead of being upfront about only wanting sex. 

So don’t beat yourself up, it’s probably not anything you did.

You can’t force people to be honest and thoughtful.

But what you can do is be good to yourself.

Even if that means spending a little too much at Sephora this month.

It’s self-care! And it’s probably cheaper than a therapy session.

When He Ghosts You and Comes Back

Ok so you’ve accepted the ghosting and gotten over it.

It might have taken a few extra girls nights and some rough mornings but you did it.

And then you get the text from “Maybe: Ryan” because you deleted his contact but not the messages, you know- just in case!

And he’s asking you to give him another chance, or maybe he’s acting like nothing ever happened!

This is good right?

No.

Because of course, it’s not good.

Because nothing is good when you’re a single 20- or 30-something woman trying to figure it all out.

What’s wrong now?

You got what you wanted!

But it came after a month of ghosting.

So how do you respond to a guy that ghosted you?

Well, it depends on how he contacted you.

Your best bet is giving him back the same level of engagement he’s giving you.

It doesn’t matter when a guy double texts you all of a sudden.

Now, I don’t mean waiting exactly 27 minutes and 15 seconds between replies because that’s how long it took him to reply.

That would be crazy….who would do that….anyway.

What I mean is if he’s texting you at 2:00am on a Friday night asking if you’re awake, don’t suggest a dinner date at a romantic French restaurant on Saturday.

So if he is sending an obvious late-night booty call, or if he’s genuinely asking for another shot at a real date with the possibility of something more, how you respond is up to you.

If you’re trying to preserve some aura of being calm, cool, and collected then definitely DON’T respond to his texts asking him why he ghosted you.

There is nothing worse than being vulnerable for someone who will just consider getting a reaction out of you as a joke.

Respond to him by either accepting or blocking.

If you do genuinely believe the ghosting was a one-off mistake and want to risk it again then go for it! Some people do change and do regret messing with good girls.

If you don’t end up wanting to go on another date or partake in whatever activities he proposes, then I personally would not even respond.

Just block.

Block block block.

The best lesson I learned in my late 20’s was that I have never regretted blocking a number and then erasing the contact.

If you don’t get the feeling that the ghosting was a mistake, then you’re just setting yourself up for more ego-bruising and a potentially toxic cycle of hooking up and getting ghosted.

The moral of the story is that being ghosted is sort of a right of passage for any woman in the dating game.

It sucks but it teaches you some valuable lessons.

That sometimes we can’t immediately see the immaturity in someone, that being taken advantage of hurts and that honesty truly is the best policy.

If you do get ghosted, don’t let it get to you.

Redirect your energyinto yourself.

Sometimes the cliches are true, you find the one when you stop looking for them and start taking care of yourself.