Why Didn’t He Kiss Me On the First Date
Last year, I went on the best first date of my life. He took me out for dinner and drinks at his favorite bar, we talked endlessly, and we walked around town for hours.
I was into him, to say the least.
When it was time to say goodnight, he walked me to my door. We stood there chatting and giggling for a while longer.
I waited for him to lean in for that famous first kiss, the one that would help us decide if we were actually compatible.
And then… no kiss. He just hugged me goodbye on our first date, walked down the steps, and headed home.
Did I dress too conservatively? Should I have read up on how much cleavage on a first date to get him interested in me?
I was a bit hurt, but mostly just confused. He seemed so into me! He extended the date way past our initial plans for dinner, and he was giving signals all night that he liked me.
But, I must have been misreading. He clearly couldn’t have been into me if he didn’t kiss me at the end of the night, right?
Thinking about it over the next few days, talking to my friends, and Googling “what does it mean when a guy doesn’t kiss you goodbye,” I came to a new conclusion.
There are plenty of reasons why a guy might not kiss you at the end of a first date. And, one of those reasons turned out to be the case in my situation.
Be sure to read until the end – You will find out what happen with me and my date.
4 Reasons Why He Won’t Kiss You
- He was nervous.
Think about the anxious jitters you’ve felt on a date, or before a kiss. Now, think about how nervous you might feel if you thought it was entirely up to you to initiate a kiss.
And, the fact that this kiss might be rejected. Sounds pretty anxiety-inducing! Enough that it might prevent you from making that first move, right?
The guy you went out with might have been feeling apprehensive about initiating because his hands were sweaty, or he thought his breath smelled, or because he was afraid of rejection.
A quick Google search of the question “Should you kiss her on the first date?” shows millions of results, confirming that men are just as nervous and confused about the right move when it comes to the first move.
- He was waiting for you to make the first move.
With the idea of making the “first move,” there are countless studies on the gender dynamic of dating and the “scripts” that we usually follow on a first date.
One such study by Morr and Mongeau (2004) found that while men have historically been expected to be the active initiators of date planning, paying, and intimacy, this is no longer the norm.
Instead of a dynamic wherein men are the only ones allowed to make the first move, in reality the “scripts” we follow are much more flexible and ambiguous.
This allows any person involved in a first date to initiate a first kiss, which is exciting!
In this case, your date might just be a feminist who’s tired of traditional gender roles and waiting for you to take the lead.
- He wants to take it slow.
It may seem like nowadays everyone rushes into kissing, sex, and intimacy, but that’s not the case.
A survey Ipsos (2018) found that young people in the UK and US had serious misconceptions about the amount of sex their peers were having.
Young people are percieving that peers have sex much more frequently than they do in reality.
Your desire to be kissed on a first date might be a result of a misconception you have about the speed in which you should become intimate with a new person.
A guy wanting to take it slow on the first date, even so slow as to avoid a first kiss, is not necessarily indicative of his lack of interest.
Rather, it might just be his way of moving into new relationships – there’s no reason to rush, so take your time and enjoy that first kiss when it finally happens!
- He might not be interested in you.
Does your breath stink? Is Bad Breath a Deal Breaker? This can be a major turn-off for him.
Anyway, this last reason might seem like the worst possible explanation but bear with me.
All too often, we spend an entire date thinking, “Is he into me? Does he think I’m attractive? Does he want a second date?”
Instead, you should be thinking about how you feel about him! Are you into him? Do you find him attractive? Is he easy to talk to?
If you find out later he doesn’t want a second date, wait before you fall into self-hatred.
Ask yourself, did I really enjoy the date, or did I just want him to like me? And if the answer is yes, and he still didn’t want to continue your relationship, remember that does not diminish your value.
He might have other things going on, he might not be over his ex, or he might just not be interested in pursuing you. Whatever his reasons – you are still valuable, beautiful, and exciting.
What to remember when you’re stressing over not getting that first date kiss:
If you find yourself stressing over a kissless end to your date, keep these three things in mind:
Evaluate your feelings about him to decide if he’s worth the stress.
Communicate with him about how you’re feeling, which will open the door for him to be honest about why he didn’t move in for a kiss.
And always keep in mind that his feelings about you will never diminish your value.
In the end, remember your value in this situation. The question shouldn’t be “Does he want to kiss me?” You should ask yourself, “Do I want to kiss him?”
Eventually, I got a text and a second date with the guy who left me waiting at my door for the mythical first kiss.
I told him the truth – that I’d been confused when he hadn’t initiated a kiss on our first date.
And he told me the truth, too: he’d been nervous, really liked me, and didn’t want to mess it up by moving too quickly.
After opening the door to an honest conversation about what we were both expecting and looking for, we were able to establish transparent and sincere communication.
With this new channel for honest communication, it was easier to move forward in our relationship.
We went on that second date, and a third, a fourth, and a fifth. We’re still together today, going on dates, communicating, and kissing.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean if a guy doesn't kiss you?
If he looks nauseous or barfs on your shoes, then you can assume he’s not interested. Otherwise, what it really means is much less offensive.
If you’re thinking, “He didn’t touch me on the first date - that must mean he doesn’t find me attractive,” then stop, wait, and take a breath.
To start, some men don’t like kissing! It could just not be his “thing,” or maybe he’s more interested in taking it further (to the bedroom).
Regardless of where you decide to go, the most important thing is to make sure there is consent from everyone involved.
Will a guy kiss you if he's not interested?
The truth is, plenty of men will initiate a kiss even when they’re not interested.
I would go so far as to say that most guys initiate kissing before they truly know they’re interested in having a relationship.
Men are often expected to be the initiators when it comes to sex, which is one reason why a guy might initiate a kiss even if he’s not interested.
Other explanations could be the involvement of alcohol, or his eagerness for sex.
Again, what is most important here is for you to be certain of how you feel, regardless of his hidden feelings.
Can you fall in love after a first kiss?
A first kiss can create intense feelings. Our bodies are sensitive to touch, smell, and taste, and kissing gives us access to all of these senses!
Kissing can lead to an increase in dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to feelings of love and desire.
Kissing also increases the chemical oxytocin, which can cause feelings of attachment. Further, kissing lowers your cortisol levels (the stress hormone).
With all of these chemicals swimming around your brain when you kiss, of course, it feels like being in love!
It’s important to remember that all of these changes are taking place when you kiss, so take it slow, keep communicating with your partner, and check-in with yourself.